The abuser treats the victim like a servant, makes all her decisions for her, rules the home, and defines men’s and women’s roles. The abuser economically abuses the victim by preventing her from getting a job, making her ask for money, giving her an allowance, taking her money, and not letting her know about the finances. The abuser coerces the victim when he threatens to hurt or leave the victim, commit suicide, report her to welfare, and forces her to drop criminal charges and protection orders and do illegal things. He intimidates her with looks, actions and gestures, makes her afraid, smashes things, destroys her and the children’s property, abuses the pets and displays weapons.

Victims Believe They Are Worthless

It is easy for those of us lucky enough to never have experienced domestic abuse to say we would never allow that to happen to us or our children, family members or friends. But once we are victimized long enough we believe we have no value, no power, no control and no way out. Without money, a job, food, shelter and a support system of friends, families, co-workers and helping professionals, the victim thinks it is impossible to get out.

Social service agencies and law firms assisting victims of domestic abuse see the same clients over and over. They hope with each visit the victim gets more knowledge and courage and begins to see a way out. It takes many tries for a complete exit from this vicious cycle.

Think back to Dawn. The first time she was beaten by Tom she was shocked. The second time Tom beat her she began to question herself. On the third occasion she believed Tom was right and she must be worthless. Dawn left Tom and married Frank and was beaten the fourth time. On the fifth occasion she called 9-1-1. A police officer gave her the phone number of the local domestic violence shelter. She called the shelter and was referred to an attorney. Not having any funds, Dawn asked a friend to help her open a secret bank account only the friend knew about. After she endured her sixth beating, she met with the attorney and stayed at the shelter for two nights. The seventh time she was beaten she took the money she had saved, paid the attorney, filed divorce papers and stayed at the shelter a week before dropping the divorce. The eighth and last time Frank beat Dawn she stayed at the shelter until she found employment, finalized the divorce and started over, continuing personal counseling to help her stand on her own two feet and have healthy relationships in the future.

Other women died from the final beating.

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We will see abusers and victims among our coworkers, families and friends, neighbors, and the families of students and parents in our schools and patients and families in our hospitals. We must recognize and understand the cycle of violence and how hard it is to break the cycle. We must understand and support victims and abusers trying to find the courage to change and move on.

Domestic Violence Greatly Affects Children

We often overlook the huge impact hearing, seeing and feeling abuse has on minor children in our schools and hospitals. Children living in homes where there is physical, emotional or sexual abuse are afraid to go to sleep
at night. Their homes are loud and filled with tension. Their basic needs for food, safety, medical care and shelter are not met, and school work is a low priority. If a child does not feel safe a child cannot and will not learn.

Children respond to abuse by becoming unusually passive or aggressive, abusing drugs or food, having frequent real or imagined illnesses, or being anxious and unable to concentrate. We should not ignore these symptoms. We should consider hearing, seeing and feeling abuse as the reason for these symptoms.

It is our responsibility to help abused women and children recognize they are not responsible for the violence, and to help them grow past their trauma. It is our responsibility to help abusive men recognize they have a problem and need professional help to change. We must help the men, women and children unlearn patterns of violent conflict resolution and learn to express themselves and resolve conflict in healthy and respectful ways.

We should intervene when we see or suspect abuse of women or children. Minding our own business and staying out of private family matters can be a deadly decision. At a minimum, our silence reinforces the shame and pain battered women and children feel and encourages a new generation of batterers. Educators, medical providers and safety and security directors have a moral and legal duty to report suspected and observed abuse to the authorities.

We can be most effective when we really listen, when we talk with victims or perpetrators of abuse. We can then encourage making good and safe decisions and changing patterns of behavior. We can talk about options and possibilities. We can help the victim learn she can have power and control over herself and her own life. We can help her put together a safety plan and discuss how she can stay safe at home, work and school. We can encourage separate counseling for the abuser, the victim and the minor children. We can listen, empathize, support, and make recommendations resulting in permanent change.

For more information contact the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence www.ncadv.org or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at (800) 799-7233.

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